23-Nov-08 (It's complicated)

" I'm the one who choose to live either happily or sadly "

My feeling now is bittersweet and no words can describe how I really feel like now. My heart is feeling very happy and painful as ever. I am really happy to be able to spend some quality time with CM, but it hurts as I am considered the last resort, when there is no one there to accompany her with her activities. But I don't care about it much, I am willing to do...All this while, she has been a good friend to me and I'm proud to say that I always take care of my friends. But lately I found out that my feelings for her is more than just friend...I am not sure if she felt the same way, but I am getting all concerned and protective of her..I am sure she could feel it to some extent.


I know its killing me inside with these thoughts, but I am trying hard not to be too sensitive or think too much and just try my best in enjoying her company as a really good friend...Although, I know deep inside of me..There is something going on..But I must refrain myself this time, I am already getting crazy over this. Hell, I even tried to get drunk so that I can forget this for a short period. It was my first and the experience was terrible, I am feeling fucking terribly sad even as of today..But I am glad to be able to get away from my heartache for a short period of time. I do not want her to hate me. I just want to enjoy the time with her...it is perfectly ok if she does not like me at all as I know why...but if I am happy with her, why must I bring up the issue? I just want to feel good and be happy...is it so much to ask for?


No one knows about this and they only know that I am depressed due to my stupid job only..I have no one to talk to anymore. Those who are reliable do not seem so anymore. I must accept the reality and solve everything myself...There won't be much help when I truly needed them.


I still remember that she once told me that she will never fall for a younger guy and a less successful guy comparing to her. Well, I am both of that..Why must love has to be so blinded and complicated with such issues? Whenever I think of this, its like someone is holding a knife and slicing my heart slowly..That is how painful I am feeling right now..Why must I always endure such pain when it's ok to fall in love? I hate myself for ALWAYS falling for the wrong person, but I can't help it...I am just following what my heart is saying...


I will be able to make correct judgement this time and I am sure I could handle the truth and not to make myself look miserable too badly. But I must admit that, I am really sad and disturbed this time. I hope....that things will be ok.. and I will be feeling great in no time..


She will eventually found someone, get married and have her kids..


For the record, I am not putting much hope with Nic anymore. It is not going to work..I can sense it. I'm officially sad and feel like a loser..but I am feeling better now...